thinking through my keyboard December 4, 2009

This post was originally titled “time for a new post,” but in light of what came out as I was typing, I decided to rename it.

Well, since I haven’t updated since May, I figure now’s as good a time as any, even if I don’t have anything in particular to say. It’s not time for my annual Year in Review post, but I’m already thinking about my answers to some of the questions. This has been one hell of a year–lots of good, plenty of bad. I think I have done more growing up this year than any other I can remember. So much has changed. I bought a car (I still LOVE the fact that my name is on the title–the only name on it), I lost 32 pounds (and am still losing weight–40-60 lbs to go, I think), my best friend got divorced, I’ve been at my current job for 8 months (a record!)–the list goes on. Like I said, a lot has changed. I’ve settled into somewhat of a routine, and it’s not as soul-deadening as I thought it would be. I still crave adventure, and I still have so many plans and things I want to accomplish, but right now I’m comfortable. The biggest decision I need to make is whether or not to find a new job. I like my job just fine, but it is very hard on my car. I deliver pizzas (if you don’t know me well enough to know that). I put around 1500 miles on my car every month. I need to have this car for the next 5- 7 years (it won’t be paid off for 5, and then I need to save some money for the next one). If I get a day job, in an office or something, I won’t put as much wear on my car and it will last longer. BUT, I am feeling the pull to go back to school. I REALLY miss learning, and I really want to finish my degree (and, if I’m honest with myself, I want to go to graduate school). I’ve all but given up on the idea of not taking out more student loans (it’s just not practical….an education is more important to me at this point). If I do get an office job and work 9-5ish, that basically rules out school. The classes I would take aren’t generally offered at night, and I have no interest in online education.

As I’m writing this, the thoughts are crystalizing in my head, and I’m finally making up my mind. I’m going to go back to school and keep delivering pizzas at night. If I run my car into the ground, so be it. I’ll figure something out, and that won’t happen for years anyway.

Well…that was fun. Now I just need to figure out the specifics…where, when, how. I really miss the Carpenters–my favorite professors from Lipscomb–husband and wife lit profs. I would LOVE to study under them, but I don’t know if it’s worth going back to LU. I am still very conflicted in my religous views, and I worry that the Lipscomb environment would drive me to the point of no return, plus there are the issues of distance and expense to consider. Dana Carpenter is taking a sabbatical this next semester. I won’t be ready to go back until next fall, anyway, though. I went to the University of Memphis for 2 semesters, and I just didn’t fit in. I didn’t live on campus, so I didn’t make any real friends. I miss the sense of community that I had at Lipscomb. I miss A Cappella, I miss the interest that all the professors took in their students. LU was very different from U of M. I’m not entirely sure I want to go back to either. But living here in Memphis, I don’t have a lot of choices. Nashville has a plethora of colleges to choose from; Memphis, not so much. I can’t afford Rhodes (and might not have a high enough GPA to get in, anyway). I can’t afford Lipscomb, either. Hell, it’s all I can do to pay the bills I have now. But, I will fill out my FAFSA when I get my taxes done, and hopefully I will have something worked out by next fall. Sheesh. I am a nut. But I am young and alive. I’ll figure it out as I go.

What a Weekend! May 16, 2009

I went to the Emergency Room on Saturday. It’s not like I’ve never been there before–I’m quite accident prone. I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve been to the ER in my 22 years. This Saturday was different, though. I didn’t fall or hurt myself. I was sick. I felt a strong need to puke, but I just couldn’t, for some reason. Also, my abdomen HURT. The pain was very hard to describe, it wasn’t sharp or stabbing or throbbing, it just didn’t feel right. I just felt “sick” inside. This wasn’t an especially new occurrence, I’ve had “episodes” of this happening for months, but I’d just take some Rolaids and it would go away in an hour or so. It didn’t go away on Saturday–it started around 2 and I went to the ER at 6. The doctor asked me a few questions and determined that it was my gallbladder. They started an IV and gave me pain medicine and something for my stomach. After my pain was under control, they brought an ultrasound machine in and looked at my gallbladder–it was FULL of gall stones. I was admitted and was put in a room around 10. Too bad it was the weekend and I didn’t need emergency surgery. I was stuck in the hospital until they could do my surgery on Monday. Sundaycrawled by and I was terrified when they came with a gurney to take me to surgery on Monday morning. It was about an hour and a half sooner than the surgeon had said it would be, so I wasn’t mentally ready. I’d never even been admitted into a hospital before, and the biggest surgery I’d had up to now was having my tonsils removed when I was a junior in high school. I calmed down once I got down to pre-op. Since I have acid reflux they made me swallow some kind of medicine that tasted like grape flavored acid. It was truly disgusting and it was all I could do to keep it down. I was still awake when they rolled me into the operating room and I was surprised that it looks a lot like the OR rooms on Grey’s Anatomy–LOL! Usually they have you count down from 10 or 100, but if they did that this time, I don’t remember…I woke up in the recovery room a few hours later. I was in quite a bit of pain and I felt very nauseated. They gave me some drugs in my IV, but wouldn’t let me drink anything even though I was very thirsty. Since they were able to do the procedure laproscopically, I was able to go home around 5:30 that same day. My pain was pretty severe the first 2 days (I had to take 2 Percocet tablets every 4 hours instead of 1 every 6-8 hours). Twice I even took 3 pills at once. I was out of pills by Thursday morning, but I was still having pain, so I had to go back to the doctor to make sure everything was healing ok since I was still in so much pain. At the doctor, I learned that my surgery had been more involved than the standard procedure. My gallbladder was very infected (and probably only a day or 2 away from rupturing). I was very lucky that they didn’t have to do the traditional 8″ incision, but they did have to do more repair work inside of me than they thought they would. My surgeon said that even though the cuts were tiny on the outside, they went several inches deep and cut through muscle, so that’s why I was still having pain when friends of mine who have had the surgery said that I should be fine by now. Today I just feel like I did about a billion crunches. I’ve had 2 pain pills all day. Last night was the first time I’ve been able to sleep on my sides (I am a side/stomach sleeper), and I have slept most of the day today. My back has been killing me because I have had to sleep on it and I haven’t rested well all week. I have a feeling I’ll be sleeping like the dead for several days now that I can sleep on my side. It still hurts quite a bit to roll over, but it’s worth it to get some sleep. This next part might be TMI, but consider yourself warned–I’m going to talk about poop. I have always pooped a lot. Some days I go as much as 4-6 times. My primary doctor diagnosed me with IBS when I was in 7th grade and I take medicine on and off for it. Well, I am starting to think that all along that has just been my gallbladder not functioning properly. Since my surgery, I have had 3 bowel movements and they have been more “normal” than any I’ve had in years (and possibly ever). I was fully expecting months of diarrhea, but so far that isn’t happening. I’ve always thought that my digestive issues were more than just IBS (really, doctors just say you have IBSwhen they don’t know what else is wrong). I am thrilled with the prospects of being able to eat what I want and not have to run to the bathroom within 5 minutes of finishing my meal (and sometimes before I’m even finished). All in all, the surgery was well worth it, and I’m so glad I let my mom talk me into going to the ER–I wanted to go to minor med first to see if they thought I needed to go to the hospital. Since it’s past midnight now, today is my mom’s birthday, and I always make her cake. I’m glad that I feel well enough to do it (and I’m really glad that her birthday wasn’t last week). She did spend her Mother’s Day in the hospital taking care of me, though. I love my mommy, even though we don’t always get along very well. She has taken care of me all week (she only went back to work today because she had to–she took off Monday through Thursday). I’m not always the best patient, but she hasn’t complained once. She has gall stones too, so I’m sure I’ll get the chance to return the favor sometime this summer.

Inauguration Update! January 11, 2009

My plans have evolved significantly since my last post about it. My car is NOT reliable enough to take, so I’ll be taking my dad’s car (the power steering isn’t working, but he says if I put a container of power steering fluid in it every day it will work fine….we’ll see).

I have added several more stops onto my trip and I will now be gone from January 18-25 (maybe the 26th)! I will leave on Sunday the 18th and drive to Kingsport, TN (about 9 hours from my house) and spend the night with one of my Bon Jovi fan club friends. Then on Monday I will meet some more friends for lunch and a movie (Bride Wars). I’ll leave for Missy’s house (my “final” destination) around 2-3 pm (it’s about a 4 hour drive). I’ll spend the night with Missy and leave around 4am for DC. I’ll drive to the Vienna Metro station (that reminds me–I need to buy my pass tonight!) and ride into DC. Then I guess I’ll grab a bit of grass and park it until the Inauguration starts (and try not to freeze to death!). After all that madness, I’ll drive back to Missy’s house and stay there through the 24th when she and I will drive down to Charlotte, NC. We’re going to a concert–Slippery When Wet (a Bon Jovi Tribute Band). Then I’ll head home from Charlotte (which will be 10-11 hours, so I might end up stopping somewhere on the way home). WHEW! It makes me tired to just think about it, but I know the Inauguration will be one of the greatest experiences of my life!

Top 10 January 7, 2009

favorite songs:
1) 4th of July (Sandy) – Bruce Springsteen
2) Sounds of Silence – Simon and Garfunkel
3) America – Simon and Garfunkel
4) Thunder Road – Bruce Springsteen
5) Heart of Gold – Neil Young
6) Wild Horses – Natasha Bedingfield
7) These Days – Bon Jovi
8) Dry County – Bon Jovi
9) Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton
10) The River – Bruce Springsteen

favorite movies:
1) Pulp Fiction
2) V for Vendetta
3) Wanted
4) The Story of Us
5) The Sound of Music
6) The Prestige
7) Dan in Real Life
8) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
9) What Dreams May Come
10) The Family Stone

favorite books:
1) For the Time Being – Annie Dillard
2) Searching for God Knows What – Donald Miller
3) Prozac Nation – Elizabeth Wurtzel
4) As I Lay Dying – William Faulkner
5) Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? – Edward Albee
6) Othello – William Shakespeare
7) Absalom! Absalom! – William Faulkner
8) Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
9) Through Painted Deserts – Donald Miller
10) Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

favorite TV shows:
1) Nightly News with Brian Williams
2) Damages
3) Mad Men
4) Grey’s Anatomy
5) Countdown with Keith Olbermann
6) Breaking Bad
7) Two and a Half Men
8) Worst Week
9) Good Eats
10) Chelsea Lately

year in review December 31, 2008

Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
no and yes

What did you do in 2008 that you’ve never done before?
1) went to New York. 2) learned how to change a tire. 3) bungee jumped

Did anyone close to you give birth?
not close to me, but people I know have

Did anyone close to you die?
no, actually. I’m a little surprised.

What countries did you visit?
none this year

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
a serious relationship and steady income

What dates from 2008 will remain etched in your memory and why?
1) March 3–turned 21. 2) April 24–ran into Jon Bon Jovi twice in Nashville. 3) July 12–saw Bon Jovi perform in Central Park. 4) October 4–bungee jumped in Pigeon Forge 

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
an A in French

What was your biggest failure?
not finding a job

Did you suffer illness or injury?
YES. TERRIBLE ear infections (on the plane ride home from NYC), leading to literally months of built up pressure, resulting in painful “procedures” to remove the pressure. AND a cyst on my right ovary (sending me to the ER thinking it might be appendicitis)

What was the best thing you bought?
Bon Jovi tickets, Springsteen tickets, and my zune

Where did most of your money go?
BON JOVI

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
seeing Jon in Nashville, going to New York, the election!, now planning for the Inauguration

What do you wish you’d done more of?
pray (and exercise)

What do you wish you’d done less of?
probably sleep and sit on the couch

How did you spend Christmas?
we sat around and did nothing on Christmas Eve and went to my aunt’s house on Christmas Day (and saw Valkyrie)

Did you fall in love in 2008?
no

What was your favorite TV show?
Damages and Grey’s Anatomy and Worst Week and The Mentalist and Mad Men

What was the best book you read?
For the Time Being (Annie Dillard)

What was your greatest musical discovery of 2008?
Springsteen

What did you want and get?
a zune, a trip to NYC, Barack Obama as President-Elect

What did you want and not get?
a job

What was your favorite film this year?
Wanted, The Dark Knight, Mamma Mia!

What did you do on your birthday?
went to Tunica and played 21 when I turned 21 (3:58 pm), then went to TGI Fridays and ordered a mojito.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
close relationships, platonic and romantic

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
mmmm comfortable-pajama pants that look like real pants and jeans and tshirts.

What kept you sane?
I’m nut sure I stayed sane this year. but all the Jovi trips helped. it’s nice to get away.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
do you mean fancy as in have a crush on or fancy as in admire? crush: Jon Bon Jovi and Patrick Dempsey and Simon Baker and Criss Angel. admire: Barack Obama

What political issue stirred you the most?
the election! and Sarah Palin. and Prop 8.

Who did you miss?
everyone–it was a pretty isolated year.

Who was the best new person you met?
all the Belles I met this year (Missy, Cheryl, Paige, Terri, etc)

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
it’s no fun to sit on the couch all day in an empty apartment.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“There’s a dark cloud rising on the desert floor
I packed my bags and I’m headed straight to the storm
It’s gonna be a twister that’ll blow everything down
That ain’t got the faith to stand its ground
Blow away, the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away, the dreams that break your heart
Blow away, the lies that leave you nothing but
Lost and brokenhearted”

 

 

Why yes, I am crazy. Thanks for asking. December 30, 2008

I am going to the Presidential Inauguration. I’ll be staying with a friend (if I couldn’t do that, this trip would be impossible because there are NO hotel rooms ANYWHERE up there). The only problem is (oh who am I kidding–there are a million problems!) that I live in west Tennessee, and she lives in Virginia. I did a quick mapquest search and from my town to her town is 718 miles–a little over 11 hours (and I’ll lose an hour because I’ll change time zones). HOLY CRAP! That is about 100 more miles than I have driven at a time (by myself). Another problem: she lives about 1.5 hours (not considering Inauguration Day traffic) from the closest Metro station into DC. SO pretty much I get to wake up at 4 am on the 19th, leave my house by 6, drive 11 hours (not including stops, which I have to do–I’m not one of those people who can drive straight through without stopping….), get to her house possibly in time for dinner (a late dinner), hang out a bit (probably have a few cocktails and watch Bon Jovi DVDs), pass out from exhaustion. Then on the 20th, I haven’t worked out all the details yet, but I am thinking I will probably need to leave her house by 5-6am in order to get to the station and find a place to park and actually get on the train (this could be a nightmare–and it probably will be). Then I really have no idea what to expect once I get to the Mall…..probably chaos (I just hope it’s controlled chaos). And I hope it’s not raining because umbrellas aren’t allowed. Oh yeah, and all of these plans are assuming that the weather is perfect (which is iffy at best in the middle of January!). I have lost my freaking mind. I cannot believe I am doing this. Normally I would say HELL NO I am not driving 11+ hours in JANUARY so that I can stand outside in  a crowd of millions of people for 6+ hours IN JANUARY and then turn around and drive 11+ hours back home. It makes no sense–none whatsoever. But for some strange reason, I cannot seem to talk myself out of it. I can’t explain it, but I just don’t care about all these insane obstacles. I WILL be there. I HAVE to be. That’s all I can think of. It will probably end up being the craziest and most amazing thing I have ever done. I will be a part of history being made. (I might even be able to find myself in the pictures that will inevitably be in my children’s text books!) This is just too great an opportunity to pass up. It’s not good enough to just watch it on TV. I want to say I WAS THERE. And so I will make the biggest road trip of my life under *potentially* some of the greatest dangers (there is still a little nagging fear in the very back, darkest corner of my mind that something disastrous will happen) of my life (this includes snow/ice storms, etc). There is absolutely no reason that I should do this. If I made a pro/con list, the cons would more than triple the pros. But I am still determined to do this. And so, yes, I am crazy. Thanks for asking.

BUNGEE!!!!!!!! December 28, 2008

Well, I can cross “bungee jump” off of my bucket list! And I have evidence! 

sorry it’s sideways–in my excitement to upload it, I forgot to edit it….

and another view, this time from up close so you can see the terror in my face.

This was an amazing experience and I am so glad that I did it. I didn’t think I would be afraid because I don’t have a problem with heights, but there is just a survival instinct that kicks in when you are up there and someone is telling you to jump off. My brain just would not let my foot leave that platform. It was the weirdest thing. I was telling myself to go, using all those brain functions that cause you to take a step, but my brain would just not deliver that message. I finally just had to fling myself off by using my shoulder to gain momentum. I was up there a long time. I made it up all those stairs (I was a bit winded when I made it to the top because I didn’t stop to catch my breath the whole way up), but I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t nervous when the guy hooked me up to the cord, asking me if I wanted to go head first or feet first, forwards or backwards. I said head first, facing forward. And then I walked up to the edge. And froze. It seemed like forever. And then I did it. It was all I thought it would be (followed by an entire body buzz–the same feeling your brain gets when you drink, only it was my entire body feeling that). Now I want to jump from a higher one…..next time I go to Vegas, I will jump–they have a reallllllllly high platform–I think it’s 75 feet. It will be amazing.

amazing what one little piece of paper can do. August 31, 2008

So just last night (but after midnight, so really just earlier today) I wrote this whole long post about how I’ve grown up and I don’t want to take money from my parents anymore and all that stuff. I just checked the mail. I wish I hadn’t. This message came from Target: “Thank you for taking the time to apply with us. We are unable to offer you a position at this time, but we do appreciate your interest in Target.” I must say, when I didn’t get offered the position that day and didn’t hear back from them in the first few days, I didn’t think that sounded good, but I was still really hopeful that I’d get the job. I guess they found someone who was already a certified pharmacy tech. I’m trying not to be upset about this, but I really am. This sucks. A lot. I feel like I want to cry and throw up right now. The last thing I want to do right now is tell my parents, but I know I’m going to have to soon. Just not tonight. I can’t do it tonight. And now dinner is ready. I’m going to have to sit down with them and eat. Now I guess I go back to the drawing board and find abother job to apply for. This breaks my streak (until now I have been hired for every job I’ve interviewed for). I’m not really shocked, after the interview, but still. Rejection hurts.

i think i literally just grew up overnight. August 31, 2008

Ok, so for those of you who don’t really know me outside of the blogosphere, let me give you a little bit of a back story so that this makes more sense.

I am an only child. My parents have always been very protective of me and I’ve lived quite a “sheltered” life. We have never been rich, but for most of my childhood and adolescence we didn’t have to worry, either. Both of my parents had good jobs and I just always knew that my needs would be met, and my education would be paid for. That was great. Until my junior year of high school when my dad was fired from his job. My parents started using credit cards to pay for things, apparently not thinking of things like compound interest and finance charges. It got bad enough that we had to sell our house the summer after I graduated high school (luckily this was still during the housing boom, so they made enough to pay off most of their debts). It did not, however, leave enough money for me to go to college. Ever since then I have been in quite a conundrum. I took out student loans (in my name) for my second and third semesters of college, with the understanding that my parents would be responsible for their repayment. I was told that the loans were only in my name because their credit score was too low for them to qualify to have them in their names. Their story has changed twice since then. First to “we’ll help you out when we can,” to the most recent development of “I don’t know why we’re throwing our money away paying this bill. You need to get a job and start taking care of it yourself.” Needless to say, I have felt incredibly hurt and betrayed in this matter, and it has forever changed my relationship with my parents. I now know that I cannot trust them to do what’s best for me, but only what’s best for them, even if that means breaking their word. This is still painful to think about, but for some reason, I’m just over it now. Last night, I was lying in bed, listening to some Bruce Springsteen on my zune (not Bon Jovi this time *gasp*) and I suddenly knew that I don’t want their money anymore. They have held things over my head for far too long, and I’ve just let them. No more. I am 21 years old. I finally just had the realization that I am the only one that is responsible for me. They are obviously not going to take care of me, and I don’t want them to anymore. I have complained about this for a long time, and I know, Kim, that you are yelling “FINALLY!” but this is just a place that I had to come to on my own. I’m ready now. I guess I wasn’t in the past. Last night we were trying to decide what to do for dinner, and my mom suggested ordering takeout (probably $30-50). I sarcastically replied, “what, do you have a money tree in the back yard that you haven’t told me about?” (I mainly said this because I saw the look on my dad’s face, and he was thinking the same thing, but he doesn’t have the balls to say stuff like that out loud). Well, she was not happy with this and decided to pout and sulk for the rest of the night (my dad ended up grilling some pork chops for dinner). I have never in my life seen someone as old as my mother be as immature as she is. If something makes me mad, I’m mad for 10-15 minutes and I’m over it. She stays pissed the whole night. It’s really ridiculous. After dinner I made some comment (don’t remember what it was–wasn’t sarcastic or mean or anything), but she let me know how she’s still pissed off about what I said (expecting me to apologize/plead with her not to be upset–this tactic worked when I was a kid, but I’m over that too). I told her, “that’s too bad.” Then she says, “well I don’t see you complaining about money when it’s you that wants to go out to eat. We work our asses off, you don’t do $&%@ around here.” Extremely mature. I chose not to bite back. It’s just so much more satisfying to be the adult in the situation. So, after that altercation last night, I came to the realization that I don’t want their money. I few days ago I made out a list of things that I have paid for that I usually get reimbursed for (inculding my student loan payment). I don’t think I’m even going to ask them to pay me back this time. As long as I rely on them financially, I am allowing them to control me, and I don’t want to be controlled any longer. I’m ready to be a big girl now. I went to my credit card sites, looked up my balances and how much longer I have on my 0% interest, and what it will take each month to have them paid off in time. Let’s just say that it’s going to be extremely close. And I may have to pay interest for a couple months, but it is certainly doable. I can’t express how good it feels to not be beholden to anyone. I don’t “owe” them anything (financially or otherwise). I just have to manage to keep living here until May (everything should be paid off by then). After that, I should be making enough to get an apartment of my own (I will probably need a roommate, but we will see). I feel so much better about everything.

bucket list June 10, 2008

Well, I don’t really like the term “bucket list,” but right now I can’t think of anything better to call it, as “things to do before I die” is a really long title. I’ve been compiling some sort of list in my head for a while now, so I guess I could just write it down.

in no particular order:

1. see Bon Jovi perform in Dublin (this will probably happen next tour, but I have to get a passport and $$$).
2. visit Portland, Oregon (I think I want to live there, but I’ve never been, so I might hate it…..it will be good to take a little trip there to see before I decide to pick up and move to the other side of the country!)
3. bungee jump/hang glide/parasail/sky dive (any/all of these–I am planning to bungee jump when I go to Pigeon Forge in October….)
4. visit Taize (this is a biggie–I can’t wait to go do this! again, need passport and $$$)
5. go on a CPT delegation (again, need the passport….)
6. visit Dover, England (white cliffs!)

this is about all I have right now.